I think about her all the time . A relationship without words, there is a twinkle in my eye when I speak to my friends about her . I read the handwritten letter she wrote me in English every month, one of my favorite mementos <3 I am filled w/ expectations

I met Sayako last night at her hotel . Somewhere off the normal streets of Canggu, a nice place by a rice field . What a fucking night we had :) I go to her hotel and wait in the bar by the lobby . I sit until I hear footsteps coming down a staircase . I turn and see her come down, she sees me and she cannot stop giggling . Not even a word, just laughing until she comes and hugs me, even after it still continues . She is bursting with/ joy, I can see it . Me too Xx

I greet her and we catch up through small phrases and google translate . I order us two smoothies and we sit at the bar outside . She’s so adorable . I tell her I’m taking her out to dinner w/ an ocean view . I asked Lisa and Elizabeth where I should take her and they both agreed, to this rooftop right by the ocean called, “Hippie Fish” . So I made the reservation . I didn’t want to drive us because I knew we’d be drinking, so I called a bike for the both of us to be on, to be more romantic and fun . When the driver arrived she was surprised that it was a scooter, she was nervous at first but after a while she was like a little girl, she even put her hand on his shoulder, so adorable . I could see her looking everywhere and smiling, taking videos and photos of everything . Being in Bali for the first time is an awesome feeling .

We arrived to the restaurant and I will admit, I felt like I failed in the choice . I was an idiot, I didn’t make the distinction between SUNSET ocean view and NIGHTTIME ocean view… it was all just black . You couldn’t see the sky or the ocean, definitely did not get the timing right . My goal was to see an epic red and blue and orange sunset, accompanied w/ amazing food, great drinks and chic people . I wanted to give her a WOW first Bali dinner . Instead, we were looking at a black ocean . But we did have the ocean noise, I am thankful for that .

After our first meal I suggested we go to Peels for another drink . My idea for tonight is to keep moving and moving, to make it fun for her . I want to show her multiple styles of places, to show her what Bali can offer . It was empty but that’s okay . We drink and talk and relax in the corner, she brought her camera and kept taking photos and videos .

We go to Shady Pig, which is actually the very first bar I went to on my first trip here, Indira introduced me to this place . There was a lounge singer singer that was really good . Sayako was examining the menu while swaying her head to the music . I don’t even know if she can read the menu at all but I found it so cute . You know you really like someone when the action of them moving their head 1 inch to the left and right makes you happy . My drink came w/ smoke, hers came w/ fruit . Our waitress took our photo w/ the bartender, it was a great ender . It’s now around midnight and 4 drinks in . It’s time to call it a night because we are going to Amandari tomorrow (today) .

I am now writing this at the end of the Sayako Experience . There’s a lot to say, both great and bad . I went to Sayako’s hotel in a car and arranged for Chalik to pick us both up to go to Ubud together . Along the way we saw a young boy on a scooter w/ a girl, and I motioned to Sayako that he already getting girls at a young age, she laughed and took a photo as well . It was such a hot day . After about an hour ride we arrived to Amandari . It was a gorgeous property . Two girls in Indonesian girls in robes / outfits greeted us and threw flowers above us . It was a nice touch . We check in at the front desk and their service was incredible, I definitely get why uber rich people come to the Aman hotels around the world . The receptionist asked me if I would like to be called, “Bapal” . I have never heard this word before but I liked it ! I agreed, I texted my friend and she told me it was a more formal word people don’t use often .

We were walked to the room and given a tour from the front desk woman . What a beautiful place Sayako has booked for us . Two floors, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and little random rooms throughout . We were given high quality Batiks (balinese skirt) to keep . The lady showed Sayako how to put it on and I filmed it .

I take photos of her and we tour the grounds together . There is so much to see . We walk and see a class of young girls practicing traditional dancing, I ask the staff what is happening, and they said they built a stage for the locals to practice . Of course they do, so special . Again, this is the Aman, giving you a luxury experience while maintaining the essence of the land it’s on . I would love to earn more money in the future to continue staying at these hotels .

We walked back to the room to change into something else to do a 20 minute hike to a temple on the property . This is where the problem, that would affect the whole trip  would start … I started to feel weak . When we came back for a 20 min change break, I laid down . The walk itself zapped me, which was insane . I started to worry, I looked in the mirror and I saw a pale face staring back .  “Oh no” I thought . I called the front desk and asked about having a doctor come, she said they could provide the service for an IV if I needed it . I thanked her and told her I would call back if necessary .

Sayako and I walked back down to the entrance of the temple hike . Basically 10 minutes down steep stairs in the jungle, then 10 minutes up . The temple itself was a beautiful stone figures, both in animal shapes and buildings, sometimes draped in fabric . When you get to the bottom all the noise from the hotel leaves, and all you can hear is the rainforest itself, the trees and the bugs start to amplify once you become silent . So lovely . Unfortunately I could barely make it up the stairs, i’m sick .

We then lay by the pool and watch the sunset . I tell her I am worried . Everyone gets Bali belly, but I never did . I was here on a two month trip previously and never had it once . But I’m scared this might be it . I shouldn’t have mad fun of people in my head who got it, because now look at me . We go back to the hotel and I get into sweatpants . I call the front desk and tell them to call a doctor and have him come to my room, I can’t have this stop me from having my special weekend w/ Sayako . I ask the price and she said around 1.5 million IDR (90$) . That’s what Lisa said too . Not bad at all

Sayako takes a shower and sits on the bed next to me as I’m laying here . It’s getting worse by the hour . The receptionist calls and tells me the doctor is here . “You can send him to my room now” I said in a panicked manner . Two nurses came and said the doctor and his assistant were on the way . They started to set up the IV, they put the needle into my vein but the liquid wasn’t going in . The doctor came in shortly after . He told them it didn’t work because they didn’t put the bag in high enough . So he put ANOTHER needle into my arm . Painful as ever . Ghetto as ever . This is third world country shit, when the nurses don’t even know what they’re doing . Not even an apology, I mean, c’mon, the needle is pretty fucking big . Moving on…

Lisa told me to tell them to use two bags of NS . I make small talk w/ the doctor for a while and after an hour and a half he gives me the bill . It was not around 1.5 million, it was 4 million$ . They lied to the front desk, they probably saw a white guy in a 1,500$ hotel and assume they could uncharge me and that I could afford it . I had no option although it was over double of what I thought it was going to be . I thanked him and laid in bed while they left .

Shortly Sayako comes in, “Jesse - how are you feeling ?” She says anxiously, w/ a smile . I think she is just as worried as I am about our weekend now, because It seems like its crumbling as soon as it is starting .

“I think I am better Sayako, is it okay if we stay in tonight” I ask her nervously, not knowing if she wanted to leave the hotel tonight .

She nods, “Yes” .

We sit in the living room, we take turns playing Japanese music, me playing Pizzicato 5, her playing Hikaru Utada . We then sleep together in bed at around midnight .

We woke up at 9am, it’s our big day, we are going to the monkey forest . “How are you feeling ?” She says immediately when we get up . “So far, so good” I say while giving a thumps up gesture .

“Shall I take us to breakfast ?” I ask , she nods . I wear my batik again, I am just loving the way it looks . As we walk to our table another family says, “You are really loving that thing are you ?” - “Well yes I am !” I shoot back . “You look great in it” they say w/ a smile . Obviously they are a wealthy family being here, but I wonder what they think of Sayako and I . Her being a young Japanese girl in her 20’s, and me being an American in our 30’s . Too young to normally stay at this hotel, and too different to even speak to each other ! I love being a riddle -  always have :) I ask Sayako what should I wear out today, short sleeve button up or the Rick Owens sleeveless ? She points to the sleeveless . Rick it is . Surprisingly the Bali belly is not here, maybe I beat it because I fought it quickly ? Regardless, we are off to the monkey forest .

The hotel gave us a ride there, and told me they would pick us up whenever we wish free of charge . We arrive and start to wander, there are monkeys everywhere, people everywhere . This is one of the main tourist attractions here in Bali but this one is worth it, it is truly…  a monkey forest . Also a monkey temple almost, I mean there must be thousands of them . Baby monkeys, mama monkeys... monkeys that bite, monkeys that fight . Monkeys that approach you, and some monkeys run from you . Sayako cannot stop taking pictures and smiling .

In a big tree in the center I told her to sit there and I’ll film, because I have a feeling a monkey will go past her . Well, one put his hand on her leg to boost himself up ! She was so nervous, but she thanked me for the idea . I’m glad it worked, I got it on film as well . After about two hours we leave to walk around Ubud square .

Sayako wants to walk around and shop, she suggests we visit a jewelry shop she has saved on her maps . I’m sure she knows it from TikTok or instagram but I didn’t care to ask, I just agreed . After we went to a gift shop and bought another Batik, this time more colorful . Mine was blue and Sayako’s was pink . I sent a picture to Cat and she said this is cheap tourist shit and not real . She was right, but we didn’t know any better . 30 minutes later and the heat was starting to become punishing . And worse yet… I’m starting to feel weak again :/

“Let’s go to lunch” i ask while poking her arm while walking . “Okay” she replies while smiling .

I pick a nice indoor / Outdoor style Indonesian restaurant . We both order a classic dish, nasi goreng . When the food arrives the unthinkable, the unimaginable happens, I kinda had an accident in my pants . I think I kinda just pooped in my 800$ 2017 Vivienne silk shorts .

“OH MY GOD” I thought . But I was silent . Eyes focused on the food . “God please no” I kept thinking .

“I’m going to use the restroom” I told her politely as I slowly got up .

I asked the waitress where the bathroom was and she told me I had to go to the street level and enter the alley, she then gave me the key . I know what that means, it’s going to be one of those hell hole nightmare bathrooms . And it was . A giant bucket w/ still water w/ a smaller bucket is not what I need right now to wash my ass . I’m starting to get nervous, so now I’m sweating, mind you I am crouched down using the toilet right after . I hate to be a rude American but this has got to be one of - if not THE WORST part of south east Asia . There is a classic saying I heard and right now it is so true, “The more you need a bathroom, the worse it is !” I return back to Sayako and after eating I rub my belly to gesture that I’m full .

We finally swim in this breathtaking infinity swimming pool . I have new green shorts I bought at the pool club, Le Bajo when I was w/ Cat - their gift shop is amazing . Sayako is wearing an adorable one piece suit . Of course she is :) We swim together and she kicks her legs around like a child . I ask the staff to use the rubber tube ring to help her swim, because I don’t think she’s very good . I swim around and tow her by the rope that it’s connected to, she laughs and laughs while kicking her legs around . We relax on chair together and order another snack . I ask a kind gentleman staff member if she would teach me how to tie my Batik on for me, since I was sold one in three pieces . He demonstrates how and Sayako films it, such a lovely tradition, and such a sweet gesture to teach me . We watch the sunset and return to the room .

Sayako is relaxing in her bathrobe, and I am in my new “tourist” batik . I am relaxing smoking a cigarette on the fold out chair on the patio, thinking about how lucky I am to be here in this wonderful place, w/ beautiful Sayako, and am also thanking the gods for being able to slightly poop in my pants and get away w/ it earlier :)

We then put on our evening clothes and walk to dinner, gorgeous walk - ya know the kind when the sky is a deep dark blue, about 15 minutes before it turns black . The kind you only get in tropical climates, when the air is humid and there is rich greenery around you . We both order a drink . And we both order a slightly spicy big dinner .

The doctor told me three important things,

1 - No street food
2 - No spicy food
3 - And No Alcohol .

Well I’m doing two of them, at the same time . WHY I CHOSE TO DO THIS ? I still don’t know…

I ask Sayako, “Sayako, what is your favorite time w/ me ?”

“In Bali ?”
“Yes”

She continues w/ her words… “ALL TIME”

I will never forget that, what a unique experience I’m having w/ her . I mean, I can’t even describe it but we have such a connection, yet almost none at all . It is a relationship that survives off of small phrases and gentle touches . Her smile lights the way, and if I can make her feel joy then I feel complete . She then passes me the phone w/ a message that reads, “I can’t speak English, but it’s so amazing that I get to spend so much time with you” . She is unforgettable .

After a lovely dinner w/ a soundtrack of Indonesian instrumentals and wildlife noises, we return to the room for our final evening . That’s when the sickness came back . Almost full on . I spent most of the time in the downstairs bathroom while she was upstairs in our bedroom . Why the fuck did I disobey the doctor, why must I defy logic  time and time again ?? I finally lay down w/ Sayako to go to bed w/ her one last time . We are facing each other in bed w/ only a couple of inches of separation..

“Sayako, what do you want to do ?” I asked slowly but inquisitively…

“I want…. I want…” She repeats herself why looking up and smiling . I think I know what she was going to say but before she works up the nerve to say it dismiss myself to use the restroom again . What a nightmare . I think that was a very pivotal point in our relationship but unfortunately it wasn’t in the cards that night, whatever it was going to be . I return to spoon her and then we gently fall asleep together .

When we wake up we start to pack . I am to return to Canggu and she is to meet two other friends from Tokyo who are going to join her in Uluwatu . We pack and have breakfast in the room . I give her this cute panda bear I bought in town and she sits it on a lamp and looks at it while she eats . I go back upstairs for one final nap, I’m still weak, maybe at around 70% energy . I wake up and notice the bottom of my pants are wet, “not again” I thought . These are 1,000$ silk blue pants from the same collection as the shorts !! I felt like I wanted to panic and cry at the same time but I hold it in . I find a plastic shopping bag and I put them in it, tie it up as tight as I can .

When we go to check out I pay the food and drink bill, it’s the least I could do, it was about 250$ . I hand the receptionist the bag, the same lady that has been our main guide this entire stay . I start to talk firmly but silently to her, she leans in to hear…

“I am going to give you this bag w/ a pair of pants in it . Don’t open it, don’t touch anything inside, don’t smell it, and barely even look at it . I’m going to need you to get these dry cleaned for me, I don’t know where I’m going but I will reach out to you in a couple of days . I will then pay for the dry-cleaning and the taxi to send them here, is this okay ?”

She has been staring at me intently without saying a word, “yes Babal Jesse” . WOW ! The service, that was fierce and I will never forget that . This is what rich people pay for, service like this . You go to them w/ an embarrassing task and they handle it . I love it, and I’m thankful for them . A luxury hotel w/ extension its service even after your final payment has already gone through . I see that and appreciate it .

I kiss Sayako goodbye and we make plans for me to see her again w/ her friends . And since that moment I didn’t have another moment of Bali Belly again from that incident . So all in all it wasn’t that bad but still it came at the worst time :/

A week passes, I live my life in Canggu and she lives her life w/ her two Japanese friends in Uluwatu . I watch her stories and see them having an adorable time . She asks me if I would like to meet them and I tell her I wouldn’t miss it for the world . I suggest we go to Potato Head, my favorite place in Bali . I walk up and ask where she is on FaceTime, she cannot stop smiling, I pretend to not know where she is but then try to startle her in person . I cannot help but screenshot it . I see her by the receptionist and I greet her and her friends warmly . They don’t speak English that well but I am going to make it work . I suggest we sit in the beach club area w/ other people for better lively energy

I think of ways to connect w/ the boys, their names are Ryogo and Kenshiro . I share my basic level of Japanese music and movie knowledge so I can connect w/ them, they do the same . The three of them REALLY love Hikaru Utada :) I show them photos of me modeling in Uniqlo campaigns, surely that will impress them, it’s like the Japanese ZARA . We order a lot of food on the sofa chair, beers as well . I wore my cool Prada nylon pants to look interesting for them, but they are ripstop (parachute material) so they don’t breathe, and I’m starting to sweat, so I took my shirt off .

“Should we take ours off too ?” They type to me

“Hell yeah !” I say while nodding and smiling .

In between moments I look over at Sayako, she smiles warmly back at me . We don’t get to have much private conversation but that is expected . After about 2-3 hours we decide to call it a night . She invited me to meet them on their last day before returning to Tokyo but I didn’t . I regret that, maybe it was the traffic, but traffic should never stop me from seeing Sayako :/ She posted a photo of me when she left, I copied the Japanese Kanji and translated it . She told her followers I was the most memorable person that she met in 2023, and also that I made a situation where language and race didn’t matter . It meant the world that she said that . My eyes welled up, what a beautiful life this is <3

My final words to you, Sayako — you give me a relationship I’ve never had, a feeling I’ve never had . A relationship without words, no communication, and yet, we are loving it . You bring out a softer side in me, a caring side, and I adore you for that . You mean the world to me, and I think of you more than you know . I’m so sorry I was sick on our trip, it bothers me every day since, and I’m just so sorry . I hope this isn’t our last time we are together, and I hope next time it will be in your home of Japan . You are my treasure . Please be well

素敵な時間をありがとうございました。